Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
How did we not see this back then?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
We’ve all been there…
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.