I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Why is no one talking about this?!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.