I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode