Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
estão todos miauvindo?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
That’s it.I’m out.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you