Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you