I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
🤣🤣🤣
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.