[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday