[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
True.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known