If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
when there are deer in the woods
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”