“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Thrilling chase underway
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.