Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan