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TODAY
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Based Erika
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.