Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t