Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times