Auto correct is my worst enema.
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!