[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Morning my dudes.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.