I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day