while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
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sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.