If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie