[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.