me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Need this in my life lol
Warm pools make me nervous.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind