Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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Isn’t
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Finally!
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.