*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*puts my mental health in rice
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.