Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
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me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
i did the math
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Yup.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.