“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Look at this
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Passwords are more important than ever.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me