My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
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Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
When you’re Kinky but poor
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
📽️movie date🎞️
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better