Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
me, too, girl. me, too.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS