Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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Me, flirting😏
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup