I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay