(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.