me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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multitasking lunch
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Rambo Rambow
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what