your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”