God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
You Might Also Like
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead