*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
She was REALLY feeling it.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Love this one 😂🧟