IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
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“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]