Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…