Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
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I’m good, thanks.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
When you let grandma cat sit
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.