Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.