PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Stop sending me this shit.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?