My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
A woman drives into a bar.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels