FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……