i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex