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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
#dalle2
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?