Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
any last words?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
This could’ve been an email.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
🤣😂🤣
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.