I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I feel attacked.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.