[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
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my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
A family that plays together cheats.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.