[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
You Might Also Like
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…