Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
How dramatic are you?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.