I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.