If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Coffee is ready.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper